Remember how we were told that these congressional bills have to be passed in order for us to find out what’s in them?  Remember how Joe Biden was supposed to be the Stimulus Sherriff, ensuring that all of this money was targeted with laser-like focus on jobs and on the economy?  Senators Tom Coburn and John McCain today released a 55 page report in which they lay out the details of 100 of the most “interesting” expenditures at a cost of $7 billion.    Sure, that’s a small fraction of the $787 Billion overall bill, but I think a look through a few of these will give you a pretty good idea of the brilliant ways in which this money has been spent.

Here’s the link to the report on Senator Coburn’s website:

http://coburn.senate.gov/public//index.cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=a7e82141-1a9e-4eec-b160-6a8e62427efb

There’s plenty of info on each item in that report, along with some very informative pictures.

Here’s a rundown of the top 10, plus a few notable others:

1. Forest Service to Replace Windows in Visitor Center Closed in 2007 (Amboy, WA) – $554,763

Not only is it closed, there are no current plans to use it in any way at all.   But don’t worry, I have a feeling that the park service will soon find a wealthy donor willing to take it off their hands for $1.00.   There’s a lot of that going around these days.

2. “Dance Draw” – Interactive Dance Software Development (Charlotte, NC) – $762,372

Now ist the time on Sprokets venn vee dance!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHZR9SA5pOg

3. North Shore Connector to Professional Sports Stadiums, Casino (Pittsburgh, PA) – $62 million

You  know those impoverished professional sports franchises and casino owners need every little bit of financial help they can get.  Who would argue with that?  How about (Democrat) Governor Ed Rendell, who commented bluntly,

“I wish the project had never started. I think it’s a huge – I won’t say waste of money – but there’s so many ways that money could have been applied to the transportation needs of this region in a more beneficial fashion.”

4. FEMA Stalls Two Texas Fire Stations More Than a Year, Increases Costs (San Antonio, TX) – $7.3 million

A year after the supposed windfall, San Antonio is trying to figure out how to give the money back and disentangle themselves from the stimulus beast.  You see, the stations *are* needed, but the Federal involvement has made it virtually impossible to actually get anything done, and they’ve been forced to spend the entire year doing studies and wading through the paperwork maze.

Money quote:  “FEMA officials had informed them that “‘shovel ready’ was not a term in their lexicon.”

5. Abandoned Train Station Converted Into Museum (Glassboro, NJ) – $1.2 million

Check out the picture in the report – this is no grand architectural wonder, this is just an old, rundown wooden shack.

6. Ants Talk. Taxpayers Listen (San Francisco, CA) – $1.9 million

Now I know when you first heard the word “stimulus”, this is exactly the kind of wonderful, mass job-creating activity you had in mind:

“The California Academy of Sciences is receiving nearly $2 million to send researchers to the Southwest Indian Ocean Islands and east Africa, to capture, photograph, and analyze thousands of exotic ants.”

Maybe this is what you have in mind now:

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/File:Picard-no-facepalm.jpg

7. Stimulus Project Threatens Pastor’s House (Newark, OH) – $1.8 million

Somewhere the decapitated corpse of Madelyn Murray O’Hair is cackling.

8. Old Abandoned Iron Furnace Gets Facelift after Money Squandered on Same Project Years Before (Fitchburg, KY) – $357,710

This will give you confidence that the work will be well supervised:

“In 2004, however, the federal government provided $661,000 for restoration of the building, though “much of which was lost” due to “bad stewardship of money,” according to Skip Johnson, current treasurer of the Friends of Fitchburg.”

9. Power Plant Construction Won’t Start for at Least Two Years (Kern County, CA) – $308 million

Guess who’s getting paid not only to build a power plant that they could easily afford to build on their own, but also for 2 years of administrative overhead while they sit around and think about starting to build the plant?  Anyone surprised that the answer is BP?

10. Town Replaces New Sidewalks With Newer Sidewalks That Lead to Ditch (Boynton, OK) – $89,298

You almost gotta admire the chutzpah here – why even bother to pretend you’re doing anything that makes sense?

The entire list is worth reading, but here’s a few  more standouts:

14. Mohegan Sun Casino Owner Uses Funds for WNBA Practice Facility (Connecticut) – $54 million

More impoverished casino owners – makes you wonder how they ever got along without government help?

17. Firm Gets No-Bid Environmental Cleanup Contract – for a Mess It Helped Make (SimiValley, CA) – $15.8 million

It’s the “Pottery Barn” rule in reverse: you break it, you get paid for it.

20. Monkey and Chimpanzee Responses to Inequity (Atlanta, GA) – $677,462

While much is known about how humans respond to inequity and injustice, researchers at Georgia State University are using almost $700,000 in stimulus funds to study why monkeys respond negatively to inequity and unfairness.”

Personally I know I have spent many sleepless hours wondering about this.  Haven’t you?

21. Quit Smoking, Get a New Phone (Washington, D.C.) – $497,893

I wonder if I should start smoking just so I can quit and get a new phone, too.

23. Helping Siberians Lobby Russian Policymakers (San Francisco, CA) – $199,862

I’ll bet you rubes thought that only Americans need to be stimulated.  San Fran, hmmm…  it seems like there’s an important Congresswoman from that city who’s probably involved.

This is my personal favorite:

28. Monkeys Get High for Science (Winston-Salem, NC) – $144,541

“Researchers at Wake Forest University think that, in at least one case, it is good to monkey around with stimulus dollars. The Department of Health and Human Services has sent $144,541 to the Winston- Salem college to see how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine.”

I wonder how much blow $144, 541 will buy on today’s market?  And we’re supposed to believe that these researchers are just going to give it to monkeys?   Lucky for them that chimps can’t talk.

69. Addiction Studies Program for Journalists (Winston-Salem, NC) – $266,505

Notice the location, see previous item.   hmmmmm…..

38. Reducing Menopausal Hot Flashes Through Yoga (Winston-Salem, NC) – $294,958

“A total of 60 post-menopausal women who experience more than seven hot flashes a day are being recruited to participate.”

I think even Indiana Jones would pick a pit full of snakes over being locked in that room.   But it seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to recreate the studio audience of  “The View.”

39. Research: Marketing Video Games to the Elderly (Raleigh, NC and Atlanta, GA) – $1.2 Million

I’m sorry, that’s just mean.

85. Let’s Polka at the International Accordion Festival! (San Antonio, TX) – $25,000

“The 2009 International Accordion Festival in San Antonio, Texas received a $25,000 grant for an event it promised would be “simply amazing” and a “celebration of all things squeezebox.” “

Momma’s got a squeezebox, daddy never sleeps at night!  Wait – is that Weird Al Yankovic I hear cheering?

100. Alcohol Studies Summer School for High School and College Students (New York, NY) – $112,437

“Columbia University received $112,437 to provide summer research experiences in the field of alcohol epidemiology for three high school students and three college students.”

I’m pissed – when I was in school I had to pay for all of my “research” myself!

And finally,

36. Scientist Attempts to Create Joke Machine (Evanston, IL) – $712,883

I’d say Congress beat him to the punch.